


I found love in the stars while you found heartbreak in the paint.

by montes-carpatus (Carpathyah)



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Romance, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-17
Updated: 2014-01-17
Packaged: 2018-01-09 00:46:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1139457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carpathyah/pseuds/montes-carpatus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Miles is a graduating painting major with an interest in astronomy for his final series and seeks mentorship with Dr. James Ryan Haywood, an Astronomy and Physics professor at the same University.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I found love in the stars while you found heartbreak in the paint.

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a present for iaveina and thisandthensome.

He sat in the front of the class, with paint covered sneakers, a t-shirt of a band he has never heard about and a plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbow. His face was well kept with a trimmed beard and black angular glasses. His hair was gelled up playfully. He held a 3B graphite sketching pencil in his hand as he wrote his notes in what it seemed to be a drawing notebook. It was an intro class and he looked somewhat older than the other students. It had skimmed his mind why would such a student be in his class. It was the third week of the fall semester and he had went into high gear, presenting powerpoints of celestial beings and black holes forming in far away galaxies. It was all simple material for him. It came easy to him like breathing.

He was still passionate about talking Jupiter, the Big Dipper, gravity, all the things he learned in his first astronomy class ever. Which was why he still loved to teach Astronomy 101 for the freshmen students for the major in Astronomy and Physics. Some took the class just for elective credits, or just need an easy class (they were in the wrong though) and then there was the boy who sat in the front row, writing down everything he said. Now, after three weeks, he still looked as excited and enthusiastic to be part of the class while others seemed to fall asleep on their books or typed away at their laptops.

He was used to it by now, after a few years of teaching, he just went on with his lessons, going by the syllabus and ending the class always five minutes in advance.

“Alright, that’s enough lecturing for today, please read chapters 4 and 5 for the Thursday class, and don’t forget that you have your first written assignment due next week. I only accept hard copies,” he announced as he heard the shuffle of school bags and papers. He took a seat at his desk, putting his notes in order and removing his hard drive from the computer that was connected to the projector.

He wasn’t expecting the boy with the flannel shirt to come up to practically jump on his desk in excitement.

“Hey, Dr. Haywood, mind if I talk to you for a bit?” he asked with a grin on his face.

“Yes, sure, you’re Miles Luna right?” he greeted. The boy grinned even wider and thought that his face might’ve gotten stuck as a child.

“Yes, I’m a painting major. “he started. “What I want to talk about is that I’m doing a project and I’m greatly interested in capturing the fantasy and the intangible that is, space. I want my audience to feel the endless void that is space and feel like they can reach out and touch the stars, can you help me understand astronomy?” he explained.

Now, Dr. James Ryan Haywood knew nothing about the fine arts so what he hoped to accomplish, he didn’t understand it at all. He could never grasp the fine arts, the philosophical, doing everything by emotions and feelings to eventually put it all in an image that might not represent the actual object at all. He was a scientist after all, he lived his life with equations, physics and the becoming of the solar system.

“What do you need to know?” he answered politely.

“Everything,” Miles replied.

He was at lost for words, there was so much to teach him. Space was endless and his lessons could be well as endless too. He agreed anyways as he hasn’t seen a student as excited to learn astronomy as him in a while. He scheduled a weekly appointment after the class ended.

Miles had typed down his proposal weeks ago, and the approval of it from the professors was almost immediate. In the four years he had studied the art of painting, he was always at lost for a concept that he would truly enjoy. He was at top of his class, his work was almost hyper realistic and when he painted his almost mural sized canvases, it only made his work better.

It’s beautiful Miles, but, what does it mean?

He never knew, they always remained untitled works on the student gallery walls. When he painted, he went into a trance. His body would relax and the only thing keeping him alive were the motions of the paintbrush and how it piled on the oil paint on the gessoed canvas. His palettes were an organized mess and seemed like the colours would never work. When he finally stepped away from his artwork, his hands covered in paint and probably his clothes too and said the words: done. The coloured merged together like honey and milk. His professors would stand behind him in awe. He was made to be an artist.

He wanted to paint the celestial bodies, but he didn’t know why. He only remembered seeing the stars in the forest during a night of drinks and camping. Never being in touch with nature to begin with, he accepted the trip with his classmates. Before falling asleep, with heavily concentrated alcohol in his system, he looked up at the sky. Without a town for miles, the stars seemed endless and untouchable.

His palettes became mixtures of dark blues, greens, yellows, purples and containers of paints he had already mixed. Testing out mediums after mediums to find what could give the paint its own taste of the stars.

The class was open at registration, taught by Ryan Haywood, a professor with a PhD in Astronomy and Physics, without a prerequisite needed, it sparked his interest and he registered in a heartbeat. He noticed he was missing a few elective credits to graduate on time and thought it would be the perfect class to use them on.

He had purchased the large heavy book with his accumulating student loans. It was the first class in a while that he had actual written homework and science involved. He walked into the late morning class expecting an old teacher who he would have to sit right in front to hear. Instead, he found a recent graduate in his early thirties, who spoke with a booming voice. His enthusiasm about the subject was alluring and he found himself sitting in the front seat anyways. He took out his sketchbook from his school bag, and he wrote all his notes in it. Next to doodles drawn in pen or pencil.  

He loved the class in the matter of ten minutes of listening. He wrote down everything, and doodled the planets as he spoke about them. Sometimes he wished he still drew with coloured pencils.

He met up in his professor’s office twice a week, to revise what they looked at in class.

“Dr. Haywood,” Miles started flipping through the pages of the big heavy book.

“Just, call me Ryan, I’m not old enough for that,” he interrupted. Miles looked up at him and smiled.

“Sure, Ryan, I’m just not used to having very formal professors,” he admitted. He fell upon the chapter in the book.  “The Aurora Borealis and the Aurora Australis are the same thing right? Are there any colour difference?”

“Colour?” Ryan asked, seeming confused.

“Well, yeah, you taught us the auroras have greens and blues and oranges,” he continued.

“Well yeah, but, the only difference is the magnitude between them. If you’re asking about the rare red colours, you’re talking about the photons the Earth release. In the upper atmosphere, from ionized nitrogen, look, it says here,” he said pointing at the specific part in the book. Miles proceeded to remove the cap from his yellow highlighter with his teeth and mark it. “It’s red when nitrogen atoms start to calm down again. Green or brown depends on oxygen levels.” He continued to lecture Miles about the chemistry in the atmosphere. Miles paid close attention to the finger that skimmed the lines in the book. He tried to absorb as much information as he could. Highlighting important words and phrases.

“If I could see them for myself, it might help me,” Miles commented as he put the cap of his highlighter back on. Ryan thought for a moment, maybe he could, show him an example of how the colours change in the Arctic sky. Best would be to bring him up there himself (his salary provided more than enough to bring them both there) but he had his studies and it was exactly the best time of the year to see them.

“Come with me to the research lab,” Ryan said as he got up from his desk. Miles closed his book and followed close behind. He watched Ryan swipe his identification card to pass through doors and campuses that he never knew existed.

They entered a large room with a giant television screen. There were people behind desks and computer screens looking and documenting images from space. He was in awe.

“Hey Ryan! Who’s the kid?” his co-worker asked as he waved. He was a little older than him, sporting glasses and thick curly hair. He was tall, but not much taller than then,.

“Hey Burnie, this is Miles, I’m helping him on an art project from the Fine Arts Department, he’s also one of my first year students this semester,” he introduced. Miles held out his hand and Burnie gave it a firm shake.  

“You’re lucky kid, Ryan here knows his stuff inside and out,” he said before going back to his desk. Miles grinned, seeing Ryan shrugging it off.

“Come, I think we still have footage from our last trip to the Arctic,” Ryan thought out loud as he passed a few desks to get to a control room. Miles followed close behind, trying not to trip on any wires or get distracted by what the other astronomers were looking at.

“Mind if I play the footage on the big screen,Chris?” he asked as he walked into a large room with a man sitting at a table with screens looking at footage. He spotted Miles and nodded at Ryan, he searched the shelves for the disc. Once he found it, he handed it to Chris who inserted the disk into the hard drive. “Go stand at the top of the platform Miles.”

He walked out of the room to see a high definition aurora borealis footage play on the screen. There were times and numbers around the border but he didn’t care. He slowly walked backwards to watch the colours swirl in the sky changing from greens to blue and catching the occasional red and oranges mix in. Careful not to trip, he found his way to the top of the platform and leaned onto the metal railing, watching the colours swirl.

“Don’t do anything impulsive now Ryan,” Chris warned him. He saw Ryan lean on the doorframe to watch the scene of Miles being in awe over the aurora borealis. He hasn’t been Ryan’s co-worker for long but he knew he wasn’t one for those kind of things but, he was already doing things for the boy that were considerable questionable for him. Ryan didn’t hear him and Chris didn’t repeat himself. Ryan continued to watch Miles’ face as he absorbed the information and smiled.

Later that night, when the studio was filled with the overnighters and those who just prefered working in the late hours, Miles had finished stapling his canvas to the frame. The raw canvas has been painted with black gesso. Rarely had he ever started with just a black canvas before but he felt like it was right to represent the vast galaxy with a colour that was everything into one. It was a large piece, standing at six feet by nine feet. He could’ve gone larger, but his limited budget at the time constrained him.

He propped it onto an empty easel in the corner of the white walled studio room. He had taped some photographs and notes to the side for reference. On a small white table had he laid his pots of oil paints and mediums. His palette had been freshly cleaned and there were new brushes among his trusted older ones.

His heart beat hard in his chest, this was it. It was time to start his graduating project. He was a week behind schedule but he believed he could manage.

“What are you working on?” he heard a familiar voice say behind him. He turned to see his longtime friend, Kerry, cleaning his brushed with a stained rag and linseed oil. He smiled and Kerry walked on closer to his reference pictures. “This is different than usual.”

“Yeah, trying to step away from portraits and landscapes. Taking a risk for the project, I guess. Budget is tight too, can’t go too big,” he explained as he dipped his palette knife in a dark blue and scraped it onto his palette. Kerry nodded. They were both painting and drawing majors from the beginning, though Kerry edged on surrealism in his work.

“How’s that Astronomy 101 class working for you?” he asked.

“Pretty good, the professor is really cool, and good looking,” he admitted. Kerry chuckled.

“That is really like you Miles,” he commented before he walked away to continue working on his own project. Miles swallowed hard as he thought about it then scooped up a bright cadmium red and plopped it onto his palette.

The meetings continued. Ryan had taken a week off some time in October to travel to a University in New Mexico for a lecture, leaving Miles to spend their meeting times in the studio. It had helped him advance in his painting a considerable amount. Though, when it came to the time slot for the class and meeting, Miles felt kind of, empty. He fidgeted on his stool and he found himself standing up to paint.

_Ryan._

The name filled up his mind like smoke in a burning building. He tried pushing it aside so he can focus on his painting. He wanted to make sure that he was layering the greens and yellows perfectly.

_I’m going to New Mexico next week for a lecture on the expanding universe and a comet that we’re researching in our galaxy right now. I know it’s vague but it’s a lot of science-y stuff you wouldn’t really understand. I’ll bring back some books for you, alright? Take care!_

He could remember perfectly how much he was looking forward to it but still had some doubts about attending because he’ll be missing out on lectures. Miles had told him that he was a scientist over being a professor and that he should go. He had then promised to buy a book or two for him while he was there to help him with his project.

He had stopped painting to walk back and look at it. He had gotten the foundations down but it looked kind of flat and he made a note to layer more at the bottom and perhaps give dimensions to the small white dots of stars. He had smiled so wide when Ryan told he’ll buy him books. He missed his presence, his deep voice, the way his glasses slid down his nose like an old man when he read essays.

“No!” he shouted in the room. His classmates turned around to look at him, taken aback by the sudden noise. Kerry, who was placed not that far, sighed to himself before going back to spread some green onto his canvas. Miles turned around to excuse himself before rubbing his forehead. He began to laugh to himself. “It really is like you Miles,” he told himself. “But maybe it’ll be different this time.”

He believed he had painted enough for the day.

When Ryan returned to class the following Tuesday, he was going over the topics for the mid-term exam. Miles sat in his usual spot, trying to catch Ryan’s eye. He did catch it, many times. He took notes like usual in-between, drawing the planets and equations as usual. He was sketching notes for his next painting, wanting to draw the Milky Way and the depths of space behind it. Maybe try airbrushing but, it would seem inconsistent.

“How was the lecture?” he had asked when he dismissed class. Ryan was gathering his things and putting them in his brown leather messenger bag.

“It went quite well. I liked it. “ he responded as he walked by his side to his office. “I bought you a book, it’s on my desk. I’m sure it’ll help you a lot.” He smiled. Miles grinned back like a child. He was extremely happy to have Ryan back and his heart couldn’t keep quiet about it.

Ryan was happy to be back home, while he was away, he had taken the time to correct the last written assignments to be given out during the Thursday class. He thought about Miles, a lot actually, never understanding why though. He had thought it was probably his conscious reminding him to buy a book while he was there.

He did admit that the young man had good looks, and he was always pleased to see him sitting in the front row of his class. He was aware that his heart was beating frantically in his chest whenever he was with him and just blamed it on the joy of teaching a student his career. His face would become flushed when he saw Miles smile and he blamed it on how hot his office was, despite the air conditioning on full blast.

The end of the semester was nearing, and Ryan was particularly busy with his students who needed extra credits to pass the class or help on the final essay. Miles had soared through the essay like it was nothing, all the extra research he was doing was paying off. Although, he did fake understanding, just so he can see Ryan after class.

He sat on his desk with his legs crossed, trying to get a reaction from him. Ryan would look at him and ask him if he wanted a chair. He would run his hand through his hair and tell him no, and that he was comfortable.

“Suit yourself, now, the physical term for gravity is…” Miles knew what it was, very well. His essay was already done. Hell, the class was practically done for him. All there was left to do was the final exam. “This is going to be on the final exam in three weeks, okay?”

“Yeah,” he grinned despite knowing that in three weeks it might be the end of the class and a reason to see Ryan almost everyday.

Purples and dark blues were next to apply on his third canvas. He was painting his view of the Milky Way and he was painting with dark, romantic colours. He would step back from it, viewing how rough his strokes were. He was frustrated, he can tell. Frustrated that the class had to end. Frustrated that he was unable to make a move on Ryan. The stars weren’t perfectly white, they were almost yellow against the dark purple. He sighed and sat down on a nearby stool.

His professor saw him put his brush down and look at the ground. Miles had been one of his most complicated students to understand. His paintings were like walls against something he was hiding. He was a cheerful, happy, playful guy but, he was covering up problems that he could only express in his paintings as vaguely as possible. He walked on over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder as he stared at his work.

“Miles, in the four years I’ve known you, I’ve been worried about you, what’s wrong?” he asked. Miles sighed and raised his head to look at his painting.

“It’s nothing, Matt,” he started. Matt knew better than a nothing. Nothing could mean everything. “I can trust you right?”

“Of course you can, I’m as much as a therapist as your painting teacher,” he promised.

“I think I’m crushing on this guy, who’s much older than me. He’s a science-y type guy and I’m pretty sure that we’re on different planets,” he confided. Matt was surprised at first. Miles, when he started in his class, he would come in with lipstick marks on his neck and the scent of a floral perfume. He caught the eye of almost every girl in his classes and now he wondered if he really loved his ex-girlfriends or were they were just there to be pretty.

“Scientist huh?” he thought. He was happily married to a woman and how to approach someone of the same-sex wasn’t his forte. “Bring him onto your planet, and you go onto his.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Miles replied. He was already on Ryan’s planet. He might as well be a moon orbiting around him. Matt smiled and went to go help another student. Miles took his palette and mixed the blue and purple he’s been using. He took a big fluffy brush and slashed it across his hand repeatedly, feeling the natural hair bristles scratch the skin and loosened them up before dipping it in the paint and quickly stroking it on the canvas, creating the gases of the Milky Way with the flick of his wrist.

The painting would be due in a week, the mid-term check up really. When teachers and students would look at their work and point out what would aid in the development.

“Aren’t you stressing out?” Ryan asked as Miles sat on the chair across from his desk in his office. Miles didn’t even need help or needed more information. His body was used to the meetings, finding himself in Ryan’s office even though their was nothing to discuss and Ryan didn’t seem to mind it anymore. It had become a habit for him too.

“Not really, I mean, yes, I have a painting due in a week that still needs to be done, I’ve done all my art history classes already. My other classes are just, there,” he fidgeted in his seat. Ryan looked at him from the top of his glasses. He had started to look at the essays that were due that morning.

“Then go work on your painting,” Ryan offered. As much as it would kill him to sit in silence looking at papers that were probably done right before the class, he didn’t want Miles to fall behind even more on his projects.

“I rather be here, with you,” Miles replied, with emphasis on the end. Biting his lip and spreading his legs a little more than usual. Did Ryan notice? Of course he did. But not in the way that Miles hoped.

“Why are you showing me dominance?” Ryan asked.

“What?” Miles replied. He surely wasn’t, if anything, he was offering himself to him.

“Men spread their legs apart to display their dominance to women and to other men, it’s an evolution thing,” Ryan replied, flipping the page of the essay.

“Uh, okay,” Miles was confused. Closing his legs, he pulled himself back up straight on the chair. That didn’t go as planned at all. He was imagining Ryan stop grading his papers to press him into the leather chair. The room as become tense and awkward and Miles wanted to run. He felt like he made a fool out of himself in front of Ryan.

Ryan didn’t understand his movements or his body language. There was something troubling him and he thought it might’ve not been the best move to call him out like that. It would be a good idea to apologize.

“I’ll go work on my painting, I guess, I’ll see you Thursday,” Miles said before Ryan could open his mouth. He waved and walked out of his office, closing the door behind him. Ryan put down his red pen and pushed his head from his forehead. He needed a drink of water, or another cup of his coffee, because his heart wasn’t cooperating with him. He suspected he was catching a cold, or the flu. He was hot and his hands were clamping up. His stomach churned and his appetite was gone. He thought it would best to see the school nurse and called in quickly for an appointment.

“Haven’t had you here since the outbreak four years ago,” the nurse commented as she wrapped the black band around his arm to check for his blood pressure.

“Yeah, it could be stress, Kara,” he could say before she directed him to lift his tongue for the thermometer. She turned it on and the heart rate monitor tightened around his upper arm. The machine beeped for his temperature and she removed the device and discarded the sanity plastic.

“You’re a little higher than normal,” she noted. The other device was done and it relaxed. “Your blood pressure is a little high. Are you scared or nervous about something?” she asked. Ryan thought about all the things that he would be nervous or scared about.

“Not that I know off. My hands get clammy and sweaty. My heart starts to beat pretty fast, my cheeks start to warm up like I’m having a fever,” he explained. Kara giggled. She understood perfectly what was wrong with him but prefered not to be blunt, she believed he was old enough to figure it out, eventually.

“When was the last time you felt like this?” she asked out of curiosity.

“When I was with my student, Miles, I’m doing a mentorship with him on a project, so he comes to my office every Tuesday and Thursday after my Astronomy 101 class. Is he contagious of something?” Ryan asked. Kara paid close attention before she sighed. She couldn’t believe in the years that she’s known Ryan that he would be a high school girl in his thirties.

“No no, you’re fine, just, rest a bit okay? Finals are coming up so take care of yourself,” she comforted before she dismissed him. She insisted that there was no medication needed, just some coffee and sleep.

He went back to his office to correct more essays. He didn’t understand, why didn’t she give him anything? His blood pressure was high and he was clearly warm. He shook it off and stared at text.

Meanwhile, in the studio, Miles sat on the floor, paint covering his bare arms and the thighs of his jeans. He was looking up at his painting feeling unmotivated to continue. Maybe his game was gone, maybe his advances had to change now that he was in love with an older man. Maybe he was just a lost art student who was doomed to be alone for the rest of his life. The paint wasn’t dry, there weren’t enough stars, the colours weren’t perfectly mixed. Nothing was right, to him at least. He wanted to scrap it, paint over it with black paint, cover it with gasoline and set it on fire in the school’s parking lot. It was useless, he spent too much time on it to get rid of it now. Might as well let it live through the critic and then decide in January. It needed to dry anyways.

The last week was painful, Ryan’s classes were all review for his final exams (Miles forgot that Ryan taught other classes, like Physics and third year Astronomy). Miles was at work constantly in the studio, finishing up his other classes and his painting. The first two were dry to the touch, and the third would obviously needed the break to dry. The final touches were done and he was ready for the critique. When his name was called to present his work, he didn’t stand up from his stool. His paintings had been hung on the wall in front of the class.

“I had spent the semester studying Astronomy and Physics, because of one summer night of, when I was drunk. I was in a forest, a forest up north. All I could see in the sky was stars and swirls of clouds and thought that it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I made it my duty to try to paint it, to paint the constellations, the aurora borealis, the Milky Way on a 2D surface to capture the vast emptiness of space.” he stopped for a moment, looking at his brush strokes. “But now, I look at it, and it’s unclear to me, but I see something more personal in it.” he chuckled, “Like all my older works, there’s a piece of me in it, and it’s more than just the way I paint. I’ll probably figure it out when it’s done.”

The worse was over, for the semester at least.

He had only needed to take the final exam for Ryan’s class. He dreaded going to the class. He needed to pass, or else it would be summer school for him and a late graduation. He knew Ryan would be there to answer any questions and to supervise. He would give in his exam and then it would be the Winter Break. The class would be over. They were done.

He never studied very hard for exams, just a quick review and he would take it. He gulped as he walked into the classroom. The exams were by alphabetical order and he found himself higher up from the front. He felt off, unnatural, to sit in a seat so far away from Ryan.

“You may begin!” he announced. Miles took his time, answering all the questions carefully. He knew the material inside and out. He had to stall, to stick around for Ryan. He lingered on the essay question to kill time. He wasn’t pay attention when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see Ryan mouthing: Good luck and go ahead to answer another student’s question. The heat of his hand lingered in his shoulder and he suddenly wanted to leave the room, but he still had two essay questions to go. His handwriting went from smooth and organized to fast and blocked letters. He took his finished exam and rushed down the steps to his desk. He placed it on the pile.

Ryan looked at him, big-eyed that he looked out of breath. He bit his lip as he realized it might be the last time they might see each other, hoping the young man would stop by his office next semester.

“See you around, have a nice break and Happy Holidays,” he wished and smiled. Miles smiled back, a big toothy grin.

“Yeah, you too, see you around,” he replied and walked out of the room. He wanted to look back but he didn’t. He went back to his apartment to pack his bags to go home for the holidays like every year.

Ryan watched him leave his classroom with a smile on his face but a heaviness in his heart. He admitted he was a very good student of his. One of his favourites, despite not being an Astronomy major at all.  He thought he could catch him in the halls next semester. He didn’t know his schedule very well and he was teaching three classes. He would ask him about his project and how it was coming along. He would confide in him that he would always be around if he needed more books or information on the galaxy.

Winter Break was torturous for Miles, he took his place in his childhood home with a pencil and sketchbook in his hands and drew his feelings out. He drew Jupiter, he drew moons, he stabbed his pencil in the paper to make stars. When his pencil didn’t do the job, he searched for his box of charcoal and covered his paper with the black stick. It smudged all over his hand and on his jeans.

He was trapped within the tissue walls of his heart and his hands were becoming as cold as the snow that had piled up on his porch. A month couldn’t pass fast enough.

Miles was on his way to get a coffee for his painting class, when he spotted him. He questioned to what he doing, getting coffee, in the building on the opposite end of campus, for a coffee.

“Ryan?” he asked out loud. The older man turned around to the sound of his voice and he gave the biggest grin he could give. Miles’ heart was on overdrive, trying to break through his ribcage. He felt like he no longer needed the caffeine rush he craved for, Ryan was a good enough wake up call.

“Hey Miles! Glad to see you again,” he greeted. Miles brought out his hands and Ryan shook it violently, like they haven’t seen each other in a very long time.

“Hey Ryan, you too. Have a nice break?” Miles asked to be polite. Why are you in the Fine Arts building?!!

“Yeah, and yourself?” he replied as he sipped his coffee out of his star covered mug. Miles noticed he looked more casual. He no longer wore his lab coat and opted for a black long sleeved shirt and dark pants. He had a long scarf hanging around his neck. He was no longer in a suit and dress pants. Even his shoes changed from dress shoes to something more comfortable.

“Yeah, went home for Christmas, it was nice,” he told. Ryan smiled at him. “What are you doing on this side of campus?”

Ryan blushed. He had come all this way to perhaps catch him. Now that his plan worked, he was at lost for words. Should he ask him now?

“Heard the coffee was good. How is your project coming along?” he asked. Yes! He got it.

“It’s coming along nicely, I suppose, how’s your classes?” he asked.

They stood around and talked for the longest time. Miles learned that he wasn’t teaching any intro classes this semester and had ended up with a night class for the Physics department.

“I’m always around here during the night, anyways,” he mentioned. That was information Ryan didn’t know but expected. Miles’ phone buzzed in his pocket and he realized he was late for class. Ryan understood and turned to leave.

“Wait,” Miles said and grabbed onto Ryan’s free wrist. “I’ll see you soon.” His mouth became dry as Ryan’s face lit up like the Fourth of July. They parted for the time being. Miles never did get his coffee and Ryan’s got cold by the time they were done talking.

Miles spent the class preparing his next canvas. He had gotten new paints for Christmas and he couldn’t wait to break them in. It was three weeks into the semester and he had finally saw Ryan. It wasn’t the fact that he wasn’t trying, his heart kept pulling him to his office every Tuesday and Thursday, like a routine, but he was disappointed to know that he now taught classes during that time and he was sitting in front of an empty desk. He would then spend it in the studio to depend on destiny if they were ever to meet again.

Ryan, on the other hand, had gone back to school with youth in his heart. Miles had inspired him and his shirts felt too tight and his shoes felt uncomfortable. He was curious about the Fine Arts building, taking the walk for the vegan cafe for some coffee and to look at works of past students on the wall. He had spotted a small painting by Miles in a glass showcase box. It must’ve been one of his first paintings as the date was four years ago. It was a generic snow landscape, probably referenced from a photograph. It was the first he ever saw of his work and he was impressed. Though, he had no talent for drawing or painting at all. His mind wasn’t made for imagining things in his head and then putting it on paper. The longer he was there, the more he felt out of place and made his way back to his office.

Miles had begun his painting, going from a drawing he did over the holidays. He wanted to paint the Earth, with swirling clouds and luscious waters. The moon would glow like it was the sun itself.  He sketched it out onto the black canvas with a light pencil. following the gray lines that had had to squint to see.. He was happy with it, but right before he stroked his paintbrush on the canvas, he could feel his heart tighten in his chest. He sighed and pressed the brush against the canvas, painting over his sketches layer by layer. His grip on the brush tightening as he painted the Earth.

The school was decorated with pinks and reds, symbolizing the nearing of Valentine’s Day. It made Miles sick to see the colourful paper banners around the main campus. He tried to avoid it like the plague. Valentine’s Day brought up unhappy memories of mid-terms and failed relationships. Relationships that he catered on the unconventional holiday from chocolate and roses to a gold chain and pendant. All failed by the time summer rolled around and he was left to wander the streets on his own. This year, despite his beating heart set on if he should buy Ryan a box of chocolate or get him at least a fancy Hallmark card, he remained bitter.

Ryan enjoyed Valentine’s Day, and when he met Miles in the building for a cup of coffee, he told him why: “The air is just filled with budding hormones. You do know that chocolate is an aphrodisiac? Dark chocolate especially, everything else is just sugar. It’s really fun.” Miles sat on the bench next to him, sipping his coffee in surprise. He was considering getting him dark chocolate now. “So,” Ryan started again. “A young man like you have a date tonight?” he teased, Miles almost choked, trying to quietly cough out the coffee he swallowed the wrong way. Ryan immediately told him to look up at the ceiling to help him out.

“No, I don’t,” he admitted. How could he have a date when all he wanted was him? He looked at Ryan, who was genuinely surprised.

“How can a great looking young man like you not have a date?” he asked. Miles sighed.

“I have my eyes on someone, they just don’t know it yet,” he replied, hoping that Ryan would catch on, instead he got a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t be shy, I’m sure she’ll have the biggest grin on her face,” he confided. Miles smiled and nodded. He had to go to class and so they parted with heavy hearts. Miles pushed away all his reds to the bottom of his toolbox, it was too much. He could barely paint without his mind drifting away from it and onto him.

Valentine’s Day was among them, some girls ran around the main campus giving out roses to strangers. Ryan was doing his walk to his office from the Fine Arts building and one of his students had come over to him with a rose. He thanked her and continued on his way. He played with the petals on his way, wanting to put it in a vase to keep it a little longer. It was aesthetically beautiful and the smell he believed would freshen up his office. Once he put it in a vase, he pulled on his white lab coat to go to class with. It would be his first class of the day and it was only two o’clock in the afternoon.

Meanwhile, Miles sat in his ceramics class, hands covered with clay. He wasn’t the best at the class but he was graduating and it was nice to get his hands covered in something other than toxic turpentine and oil paints. He was going to be there a while and he believed he had enough work to do until the end of Ryan’s night class.

The studio had gotten dark when he put his clay figure in a bag and onto the shelf to work on another day. He was going to be casual. He watched students walk out of the auditorium and he slipped in. Ryan was at the desk, collecting papers covered in physics formulas. He looked up as he heard someone pull a chair in front of him. He smiled as he saw Miles.

“Surprised to see you here,” he commented. Miles licked his lips and his smile turned sour. Ryan looked concerned and walked on over to him, thinking that the girl he wanted to ask out for a date had said no.

“Did you tell them?”

Miles shook his head.

“Maybe you should present a visual representation of it,” he suggested. Miles’ heart was on fire. His blue eyes twinkled at him. He couldn’t resist.

“Yeah, I should,” he got up and grabbed Ryan by the collar and pulled him into a kiss. Ryan didn’t move and with open eyes he saw Miles’ closed ones. His glasses lopsided against his nose. His face was on fire and his lab coat was suddenly getting too tight.

When Miles’ pulled away, disappointed that he didn’t grab at his waist, even more upset that he didn’t kiss back and all he did was stand there in shock. He was speechless and Miles suddenly felt regret and embarrassment sweep over him.

He felt like he did a mistake.

He let go entirely, not noticing how tight his grip was on Ryan’s collar. He felt like he could cry.

“I’m so sorry,” he apologized as he ran out of the room. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way, not even close. He just wanted to ask Ryan to meet out of school for a coffee instead of being stuck in empty hallways and occupied cafeterias.

Ryan just stood there, absorbing the information. He couldn’t come to a conclusion to what had happened but he couldn’t move his legs. Once his heart calmed down to a normal beat, he took his books and walked quickly to his office. He became aware of the taste on his lips and the grip that was on his collar. He tugged at it like it was suffocating him.

He couldn’t sleep that night, he stared up at the ceiling trying to figure out what was going on, but he was drawing blanks. The chalkboard in his office had been erased of numbers and physics formulas and contained words and other equations.

Miles couldn’t sleep. His eyes; heavy and red, looked up at the clock on the wall of the studio as he worked on his painting. It was almost three in the morning and the studio was empty but him. His vision was blurring time to time and it would force him to stop painting to wipe away the tears.

“He doesn’t love me,” he told himself.

Miles avoided getting coffee as much as he could. He couldn’t bear the weight of passing him in the halls. Ryan attended his classes like normal, but he couldn’t talk as loud or pay attention as much.

“Professor, you assigned chapter five last week,” a student reminded him.

“I’m sorry, chapter six then, don’t forget your assignments,” he replied into the microphone. His voice would crack and it was getting frustrating. He slumped into his chair as his Physics students packed their bags for the day.

“Dr. Haywood, are you doing alright?” his student Lindsay had asked him after class. He looked up at her and took a deep breath.

“I don’t even know anymore,” he replied.

The weeks were long, and Miles had completed the fifth painting in his series. He was forgetting the information he had learned last semester or had he figured, his exhausted mind and his lack of concentration had kept him from putting all his focus on what his work was on anyways. All he could hear was Ryan’s voice telling him the simplest equations and terms but they weren’t processing properly. He was dripping paint onto his jeans as he stood there, daydreaming of Ryan in his lab coat and lazy jeans, talking about an article in his favourite space magazine. He remember sitting there, in the chair smiling as he went on about a new star they had discovered or a new galaxy in the Milky Way that some German astronomer team had discovered. It was all beautiful and fascinating. When he came back down to Earth, he cried out as another pair of his jeans had been stained with paint. He went to the sink to clean out the surface of it but it smudged to his knee and he gave up on it. To make it worse, it was a colour he had mixed himself for the painting.

“Miles, what days would you like to present your work in the gallery space?” Matt had asked him. He had begun his last painting as Matt went around the class with a clipboard in hand. It was a tough question, he didn’t know when he would be finish and the painting would need to dry. Mounting wouldn’t be much of a problem.

“I don’t know, am I doing a solo exhibition?” he had asked. Matt nodded. Miles was surprised as it was huge deal for any student doing a Bachelor's. He had also submitted his work in a contest. If the planets aligned for him, he would begin his life as a full-time painter after graduation in June. “Wow, that’s incredible. I’ll keep you updated okay?”

He had to thinking about making invitations and posters for it. He felt overwhelmed.

“Congrats on the solo exhibition Miles,” Kerry bellowed as he hit his back. “You deserve it.” Miles looked at his friend to smile and give him a hug. Kerry hugged back. He didn’t want to address that Miles looked like a walking disaster. He had seen in come into class with the same outfit for most of the week. His eyes looked swollen and red and his hair wasn’t it usual fluffy texture. He looked pale and almost malnourished. Kerry knew that things haven’t been going his way with the man he had fallen in love with. He had seen Miles heartbroken before but never so bad that it fucked with his health.

“You need a coffee,” Kerry suggested. Miles chuckled.

“Yeah, I do.” he admitted.

Ryan’s office was a mess. All he could think of was Miles and why he wasn’t coming around to see him after class. Why did Miles kiss him? He needed to figure it out. His heart was doing front flips in his chest and his bottle of Gravol was running out.

He took out a bunch of books from the Biology and Medical departments, trying to figure out what illness he had. His chalkboard was no longer legible with constant erasing and accumalative white chalk dust. He had stopped shaving his face, he didn’t find it was important anymore. His lab coat was thrown on his chair.

“Dr. Haywood! Please!” Lindsay had cried when she had walked in during his office hours for help on the upcoming essay he had assigned. He was rummaging through some papers on his desk. and writing down notes from the books he found.

“Lindsay, come, sit down, push the papers if you need to, I’m reading this paragraph and I’ll be right with you,” he greeted. Lindsay cautiously walked in, avoiding the lined paper notes. She gently took his notes from the chair and placed them on another pile of notes. Her eyes going over the titles of books and the notes he was taking. “Give me a moment.” he continued. She smiled and nodded at her superior. She looked over to the pile of notes she had just moved and scanned the writing.

“Dr. Haywood, can I interrupt for a moment?” she asked. Ryan looked up from the book to her. He felt ashamed, ignoring his student for books and theory. He nodded. “You’re not sick, not at all. You’re in love,” she informed before having a huge grin on her face. Ryan didn’t understand. “You’re in love! The sweaty hands, your heart beating really loud in your ears and stuff. To simply put it, you’re in love with someone.”

“Love?” he had heard that term before. Valentine’s Day was centered around that term. Love meant attraction. Love meant dopamine overload in the brain. It begun to make sense. “I’m in love,” he quietly said. He started to laugh out loud in the room. Lindsay was happy to see him being as loud as he used to be. “I’m in love Lindsay!” he shouted. The notes were all useless, they didn’t mean a thing. The books couldn’t explain what love meant. Once he calmed down, he answered her question and thanked her a million times for being rational.

He cleaned up his office and threw all his notes on sweaty palms and kisses in the blue bin. He put on his lab coat before sitting at his desk and setting up his notes for the week after.

Outside, the grass was greener than the paint on Kerry’s paintbrush and the flowers were budding on the trees. The dry winter grass was gone, and Miles signed his papers for graduation. His gown was fitted and ordered. His marks were consistent and he was going to graduate on time in June with his Bachelor’s of Fine Arts. His final painting was almost done and he was getting his first solo exhibition at the Fine Arts gallery space for a whole three weeks. He should be the happiest person alive.

There he was, sitting alone in the studio at one in the morning two weeks before the end of semester. He was doing the last touches on it with a small paintbrush. His face was blotchy and red for another sleepless night. He had traded his coffee for tea; boiling the water in his apartment before pouring it in a thermos. All he had left was green tea, and he left the teabag in for too long, making it really bitter. Kerry had stayed with him for a few hours until he was too tired to go on.

The last painting was a black hole of stars and planets. It was the most conceptual of the six. He had squeezed the remaining of his black paint for the giant hole in the center. The paint was on thick as he wanted to spend as much time on it as he could so he wouldn't have to go see Ryan. He held himself back from running down to his office. He packed his toolbox for the last time, knowing he wouldn't be sitting in this studio again at one in the morning. He walked away from it, closing the lights behind him.

His bed was welcoming, and his eyes were quick to close and rest his heavy heart. He didn`t think of Ryan before going to sleep this time, but he was obvious it would be the first thing on his mind the next morning.

Ryan soon remembered that Miles was graduating in a week. He was too busy correcting his final essays and thinking that him, James Ryan Haywood had finally fallen in love with someone. Not just anyone though, the painting student he was mentoring: Miles Luna.  He hadn`t seen him since he walked into his classroom and pulled him by the collar to kiss him. His face blushed just to the thought of it. He truly believed it was a beautiful thing, falling in love.

_He had fucked it up._

His smile went into a frown and his happy heart began to hurt. Miles, who had shown him one of the biggest signs of affection had ran out of his classroom to perhaps never be seen again. He was to graduate. There would no more the tall man with a scruffy beard and thick black glasses. He would have to apologize and explain what happened. He got up from his desk to go to the studio, hoping that Miles would be there.

When he got there were students presenting their work in a critique. He apologized.

“Is there a Miles Luna here?” he asked. They all shook their heads. Matt Hullum was their professor and he finally understood why Miles had been unresponsive to him. He was science-y, he was older and everything that Miles worked around.

Ryan left the classroom discouraged. He looked up at the bulletin board and there was a poster with Miles’ name on it. It was about his upcoming graduating exhibition. It would be in two weeks and he believed it would be a good idea to surprise him and be there for the opening.

Miles couldn’t sleep, like most nights anyways. He was officially done his classes and the nights of parties, openings, and non-stop planning for graduation. It was tiresome but it all came to this night.

His exhibition opening was going to be at seven o’clock at night. The work was already nailed to the walls of the gallery and Matt had told him that he invited some fellow well-known artists. He was nervous but he was happy. The heartbreak he had sought in the cosmos was gone, and his heart was finally at rest. He would leave with a smile on his face. He fixed his tie in the mirror and sighed. He wasn’t used to clothes that weren’t stained with paint or smelled of harsh chemicals.

In a room, not too far away, Ryan paced around the room. He had purchased a dozen roses for him, as they represented love. He was already dressed since a few hours and he was rehearsing how he would greet Ryan. He had made cards with notes on them, highlighting what would be most important.

Miles pushed through the doors of the gallery space. There were tables of wine and cheese. His paintings hung on the walls lit up with perfect white like that brought out all the texture and layers in his paintings. Matt and his former professors were there to congratulate him. He shook their hands and thanked them all for their help.

“Who inspired you on this piece?” his former drawing professor Brandon Farmahini had asked.

“Uhm well, my Astronomy 101 professor was my mentor on the subject of the cosmos,” he explained. It was resurfacing feelings he had tucked away. Whenever a question was asked, Ryan would always come up in conversation.

His friends and classmates slowly came in, to see in full what he had been working on since October. While he sipped at his glass of wine and laughing with his friends, he eyes scanned the room with the slight hope that Ryan would show up. He had probably seen the posters around the school about it. Time was ticking and his heart had dropped into his stomach, expecting the worse.

Ryan cursed as he walked faster to the address. He was late to the opening. He had finally found the building and stood in front of it. He gripped on tightly to the bouquet of roses and took a deep breath. He had memorized his lines and had shoved his notes in his suit jacket pocket just in case. He pushed through the doors and walked up the stairs to the space. His heart beating quickly in his chest as he walked into the room. He saw Miles at the center of the room talking to a woman.

“Miles, isn’t that your former Astrology professor?” Kerry had asked. Miles head shot up quickly. The blood had rushed from his heart to his face. He passed Kerry his glass so he wouldn’t drop it. He had caught Ryan’s eyes and they were so clear and blue in the light. He passed through the crowd to walk up to him.

“Listen Miles, I’m sorry and, and,” he started. With Miles standing there, he had forgotten everything he rehearsed for. He gave Miles the roses first. “I’m a stupid scientist, I think all the time with my head, and even then my head is in the stars, and has been long floated to the boundaries of the galaxy to freeze. I think in numbers and words and my heart was left to rot. And then, you walked into my classroom with your paint covered jeans and your sketchbook. I thought you would be a joke, another one in my class to expect easy marks but no. You were one of my favourite students in my years teaching here. You showed me what it is to show love for someone. And then that day you kissed me and you turned my world on its axis.”

“Then kiss me back,” Miles had interrupted. Ryan looked at him straight in the eyes. He cupped Miles’ face in his hands, feeling his beard under his fingers. His legs were shaking when he pressed his lips against his. His mind was on overdrive again but it felt right. He pulled away, looking in Miles’ eyes for any kind of forgiveness. He hoped that he wouldn’t run. He hoped that he didn’t ruin.  

Miles could cry, it was beyond perfection.

“Can you forgive, an old scientist like me?” he asked.

“The sun can explode and I’ll still forgive you,” Miles replied, giving him a quick peck before pulling him into the room. Ryan looked at his paintings in awe. All the stars were correctly aligned and he could almost touch the Aurora Borealis. Miles grinned as Ryan asked him questions on how he did what he did and how he was able to make it so realistic.

“You know Pluto isn’t a planet right? I thought that in the first class,” he teased.

“I know, but it looked nice with the rest of them,” Miles told him..

“Your painting isn’t accurate then,” Ryan said. Miles sighed.

“Shut up and enjoy my paintings,” he nudged. It was clear that Miles and Ryan had drunk a little too much wine to celebrate their new relationship.

The party was long over and they had walked hand in hand to the park. It was a full moon and despite the harsh lights from the downtown area, it was still possible to see some stars. Miles had found an open space and they laid down on the grass.

“You can see the rest of Hydra over there, and that big star over there is Leo,” Ryan explained. Miles followed his finger in awe. He had learned this but the information disappeared when his painting was finished. “Miles.”

“Yeah?”

“Your painting series was about me right?”

“Yeah. You were a planet, and I was merely a moon. Rotating around you but unable to touch you. My artist statement was more poetic than what I just said,” he explained.

Never had Ryan held on harder to Miles’ hand that night. The moon was full but it would soon disappear, as would Miles would in a few weeks. He was to graduate and leave the University. Perhaps he’ll stay now, perhaps not. Only time would tell and it was Miles’ choice. Ryan could compare Miles to the Sun in mid-June, where they were positioned on the axis would get the most sun for one day. He would begin to warm the Earth and bring life to everything he touched. He could also compare him to the countless stars in the galaxy. All shining at once and floating in space. Despite being floating balls of pure heat, they lit up the night sky beautifully.

He could compare Miles to a Solar Eclipse as he was a once in a lifetime experience for most people, and Miles was truly a once in a lifetime experience that he wanted to cherish and hold onto. Miles was an asteroid that had crashed into his heart. He had gotten through all the layers of the atmosphere and now left a hole in his heart. Even if he were to leave, the hole would still be there forever that only him could fit into again.

Perhaps the planets aligned just for that night, and by the morning they would scatter again to find each other again.


End file.
